Scared of Cedar

(this is a different climb from the topic of this post)

Damn, it's been a while since I've been that scared. It was "only" a 5.10d and was supposed to be our warmup. The short of it is that it just mentally fucked me. Twice I lost control.

Neither one of use had climbed it before, but deemed it easily doable considering some of the other stuff we've climbed. Tyler went up first. A few parts looked pretty hard and after trying a few times to gain the 4th bolt, he came down to rest and let me have a go at it.

That didn't bode well since Tyler is a much better climber than me. So already, I wasn't in the right place mentally. Oh well, I'll give it ago.

I struggled to even get to the part Tyler stopped at, but I finally made it. I noticed right off it was pretty exposed and I had cleaned all the draws on the way up, meaning there was only once piece of protection between me and death.

That's when I lost it. I started visualizing the carabiner bending and breaking. I started visualizing the narrow nylon weave tearing and ripping. Then I started imagining what it would be like if I fell from that high up, brains splattering on the rock far below.

"Dude, give a quick belay!"

"What's wrong?"

"I'm freaking out, I don't like being in just a single draw."

"I'll lower you to another bolt and you can just clip into that so you'll be in two."

Why didn't I think of that? Oh yeah, cuz I was freaking the fuck out.

Ok, clipped the previous bolt. Phew... that feels better. Always nice knowing there is backup. Time to press on.

So I get to the part Tyler was at. I look and feel around. I see the move and kind of try it out. Feels pretty good, I'm definitely strong enough to pull it. So umm, why am I not doing it? Dang, the exposure is getting to me.

Lately, when I get in situations like this where I'm not making the move out of fear rather than lack of ability, I think of a certain person. Then I imagine that person being disappointed with me. I know that's terrible motivation, but it works.

So I pull the move and climb up to the last bolt... and hate the clipping position. My feet are good, but a bit balancy. My right hand is pretty shitty and my left hand has nothing, but it doesn't matter since it will be doing the clipping. I'm super tense and tight and I'm trying not to move at all because of the balancy feet.

"Just relax, man. Remember to breath."

So I start taking deep, slow breaths. Wait... why are my breaths getting shallower and faster? The exposure is getting to me. I think I'm taking too long, I think I'm getting a pump in my right arm. My legs start shaking.

"Heh... uhh... I'm going to fall."

"Don't worry, I gotcha."

I haven't fallen in a long time. I've kind of forgotten what it's like. As I fall, I hold my breath. My body completely tenses up in a panic and I swear my heart skipped a beat.

It was a perfect fall. I fell into nothing but air and Tyler gave me a very gentle catch (i.e. a dynamic belay). I'm really grateful to have him as a climbing partner.

I collect myself and try again. I get to the same spot. It's still scary for me, but I manage to get a draw in the bolt. I start pulling the rope to clip it.

"Dude, don't give me any slack!"

"Alright, man I won't."

Ok, for those of you don't understand what just happened there, let me explain. I was fucking scared and was being completely nonsensical. You cannot clip without getting slack and I was trying to clip and telling him not to give me any slack. Of course, he understood what was going on. He told me what I wanted to hear, but also did what needed to be done (fed me slack).

I could not for the life of me clip the God damn rope into the draw. I fiddled for 15 seconds or so and just dropped the rope. I can feel the panic coming, I need to calm myself before the shaking comes. I take a few deep breaths and try again.

For fuck sakes, I still can't get the damn rope in there. Ok, now after two failed attempts, the fear overtakes me. I'm shaking and feel a fall coming.

"Fuck man, I'm going to cheat."

I grabbed the biner with my left hand and clipped it with my right... shitty. :(

I finish the climb and come down. My arms are uncontrollably shaking and there is a throbbing pain in my right elbow.

After the adrenaline wore off a little, I couldn't help but to smile... I felt so damn alive. I'm not talking about the sense of satisfaction from finishing the climb (it was a pretty shitty climb that I'm not proud of anyway), it was being up there doing something I haven't done before. It was new and different and unknown.

The climb will never be the same again. I've climbed it now (albeit poorly). The next time I try it, I'll know what to do, where to go, how to do it. The fear of the unknown won't be there. The internal dialog of "Can I do this?" will be replaced with "Meh, I've done this."

Tyler climbed it really quickly on top rope.

It's strange... the climb is well protected and not even that hard really. ...but still, it got in both of our heads.